Pretty Much Cracking Off

I’m perched on a fallen log taking in the stillness of Brundage mountain and reflecting on this last week and my visit to McCall, Idaho. I struggle to put into words what this place and my little family of friends here mean to me. My heart expands the second I breathe the air, my mind shifts and the two come together… Here I am at home.   My love affair with Idaho began in 2001 when my teenage mutant ninja turtle friend and I embarked on a roadtrip from Miami to McCall.  Flaunting “Idaho or Bust” tees, we left our freshman year of college behind and began our adventure. With the exception of a handful of people, I struggled to connect with others in Miami. The open road and promise of mountains was a welcome and needed change. What I carry forward from Miami is my R.A.W.ness, my unyielding persistence to be myself and not allow society to dictate how I should live, feel, or act. This feat is a lifelong process which requires much attention.   When I first arrived in McCall, I pretty much made my entrance as Tornado Michaela. Had the weather men been able to predict this storm I’m not sure how they would have prepared the locals… Hide your sons? Refinish your dance floor? And get ready for one big dose of life’s greatest medicine?  I rammed into town with such passion for fun and living aloud… an explosion ensued for that entire first summer. What I didn’t expect to happen in McCall back in 2001 was to learn one of life’s most valuable lessons.  I was high on life and so in love with my life that not much else mattered.  During that period I was so open and fearless as I was ignorant to the pain one feels when love is lost or takes a separate path.  In McCall I found not only myself, but pure love. Returning to McCall is one of my favorite vacations because of the people and the natural surroundings. As I bask in the sun at lakeview village and philosophize with my girls about life and the journey, I am encouraged to embrace each moment. To love what I love and free myself from that which leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  As I walk the windy mountain roads I reflect on the love I shared here with the kindest, most gentle man I’ve ever known. I’m reminded of how we embraced our contradictions: here he was an adrenaline junkie with redneck fury, but under all of it a heart of gold. Here I was a rambunctious city gal screaming “ram it” all across town, but loving him so openly and screaming it from any mountain top I could. Our actions and words were a constant reminder of the magic we shared. He never tried to turn down my volume and I loved to witness his redneck fury in high gear.  We fully embraced all the parts of each of us, we may have come from different upbringings, but our hearts were singing the same song. Being in this place is always emotional for me, but this time just how emotional I was surprised me. To help balance the emotions I suggested a “spa day” to the Captain. She and I enjoyed facials and the serenity of calming music and clean scents for over an hour. What we did not realize is that getting a facial before four days of sun bathing may not be the best idea. Much of the week has been spent laughing about the fact that our faces are pretty much cracking off.  I have not used this much toner or moisturizer or vitamin b5 in my life. As I was washing my face this morning and starting the moisture happy ritual I couldn’t help but think…. What other parts of me need nourishing? The question took a while to come to me, but the answer was instantaneous- my heart.  The truth is my heart needed a big dose of vitamin Captain and McCall, my heart needed harmonica time with Mama Millie, my heart needed to be in the presence of pure love even if he was no longer mine. My heart needs to be right here, sitting on this fallen log contemplating ways I can moisturize my heart and prepare it to be as open and loving as it was the day i arrived here.   At the spa I purchased a ring and made a promise to myself.  I am consciously committing to being open to receive pure love again. The shape, the form, the cackle may be different, but the heart will be genuine, one of gold. My personality will stay at full blast and our days will end with dancing.   During this go around at singledom, I’ve noticed a trend amongst some of my suitors… The fear of being hurt in a relationship. It is as if they are allowing their past relationship to dictate their future. No thanks. Part of me finds that to be a copout, the better part of me hopes they give attention to their own parts that need nourishing so they too can experience pure love.  It’s so easy to succumb to fear; why not face fear and show ‘em whatcha got? One of my guy friends recently told me that every relationship that does not work out is simply preparation for the next, that you carry the good parts forward and the next relationship will be better.  I love this and believe it whole heartedly. I welcome each of us to take a look inside, to search out our parts that could use some nourishing, and go give those areas some attention.  Hurry, before they crack off!

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